Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
