one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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