I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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