i don't like sucking hair
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
