i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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