So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
