worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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