i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
