I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
