how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
