Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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