We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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