she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
