D3 body, D1 cock
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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