Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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