I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
