After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
