It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
