I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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