Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
