just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
