I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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