I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
