Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
