M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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