I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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