He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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