I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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