Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
