Where did you get a picture of my penis
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
