theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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