I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
