went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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