Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
