Betty ford says i'm here all night
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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