He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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