Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
