Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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