____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Randomize
