just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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