genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
