I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
