and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
