Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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