I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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