At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
