he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
