tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
