I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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