The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
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I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
My vagina just clenched in fear
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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