It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Semen is not good for contacts.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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