Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Randomize
