Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
