would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
