we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
