Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just sucked dick on a ferry
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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