By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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