Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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